On top of the world

There a lot of things that can go wrong in life, a lot of things that can happen without warning and a lot of things can happen without your knowledge.
A car accident, a close one's death, job layover, failing an assignment, but then there are some things that also just seem to happen as easily, call from a long lost lover, a gift from an unexpected one, a surprise treat for your birthday, a forgotten track on your iPod, rain right when you want it, a pet cuddling up to you, a small squirrel in eating from your hand, a rainbow under dark clouds and a little cheering up when you have not told anyone that you're sad.

There are some things we plan out and they go as expected, there are other things, that... just .... happen.

And when do you realize the value of all this? Not when it happened, but when you are sitting alone in your room, waiting for the expected to happen. These small little nitpicks come and corrode your sadness away.

How well do you know what you have planned is going to really happen ? Hell, it doesn't even happen in movies anymore. There are some people who like to stay hidden away from the world, even they have something unexpected happening to them;

You can't hide from what is going to come in your life, but yes, you can take it in a stride and not crib instead. I have been cribbing, i have been cribbing about not being good enough in what i do, not having the love life i always wanted but when i see the smaller things in life, sitting alone in my room, expecting a call from the people in the big buildings to follow up on the numerous resumes i sent out, i can't help but smile.

It's not even a big deal that i am single again, still eating ice cream right out of the tub when my dog comes and puts his head on my lap as if trying to tell me that everything is going to be alright my friend.

I had a fall out with my boyfriend because well, i was too busy working ( another article about how men don't understand women coming up ) and then i had a fall out with another guy i liked ( he found someone nearer to home ), I wrote a few foul articles that went online recently (not proud of them at all) and then the plumbing in my house went for a toss!

As i sat staring out my window for a ray of hope, my dog comes upto me, shuffling clumsily ( he is a big guy, not so young either) sits next to me like the great master Oogway and looks out the window. I kid you not, this really happened. After a minute or two he turned away, obviously disgusted at the thought of sitting idle and not doing anything at all. He goes back, gets his ball to me, i don't respond, so he comes to know something is wrong.

And yet again, i repeat myself, I. Kid. You. Not. He put his head on my lap, staring at me, smacked his lips and sat with me for hours.

I've seen this happening in movies and i never thought untrained dogs had that kind of heart to give company to people with dismal hopes.

The only thing missing from that day was a beautiful background score by Stolzman and it could have easily been a stolen scene from a movie.

I should ask you instead, should i have been sad that my love life wasn't going well, my career was down the drain or should i have been happy that my dog was Deepak Chopra reincarnate.
I don't really have anything to look forward to right now in my  life, except for a call from a company (since i might be kicked out from the one i am in right now) and i am still feeling happy about being here, in my small little apartment.

Because i have the little things ...

Cupcakes and unicorns

She sat watching the crappy chick flick her friends had always chatted about... she watched the the movie flow by with little reception to her brain as she stuffed her hand with chips, the hot guy, the jock had fallen for plain Jane ... yet again... she knew how the film was going to end, yet she wanted to see through it till the end. 

It was not the direction or the acting that caught her interest, it was the story , the fantasy that a plain jane had caught the fancy of the hot and popular. This had never happened in real life ... never to her and never to her friends or even the ones she knew by name and  yet there she sat fantasizing about her jock sweeping her off her feet and carrying her to the goal post. 

How sad is real life from our fantasies? There is no prince on a white horse or a night in shining armour, there is however, the ugly, big hearted ogre sitting in the middle of his swamp waiting for his ogress to come build a mud house with him. 

No matter how movie was going to end the girl knew, in reality, she was going to sit in the swamp for years, silently waiting for her ogre to accidentally stumble on a weed and land up at her doorstep, if not the sudden change in fate, then her mother would find a suitable ogre, who would hold a dual degree, convince her that he was the one she had been waiting all her life. 

There is no escaping love, but there is no escaping the quest of love either. In most of us it is inbuilt. Deep within the core workings of our minds sits this small tiny voice that keeps telling us to move forward towards the ultimate goal - happiness and what is happiness really? without love? 

Every one can obviously refute with the fact that love from family and friends is enough but those people will have fallen in love at least once in their life. I am a cynic myself, i don't believe there is everlasting love in this lifetime, however, i do believe that some one out there, at some point of time will be the one who will take my breath away, even if it were for a second, that, my friends will be love in its real sense. 

There really is no sense in waiting for mr. right, because he would have have found some random girl in his neighbourhood. It is to find that big hearted ogre, in the swamp, fill the swamp with mud houses, till the time the construction crew comes and builds a concrete spa resort on it, then, simply move on to another swamp. If the ogre wants to tag along, you have found your happiness, other wise, there are many ogres in the jungle, you need not worry. 

How is it possible for a girl like me to stay single. A lot of guys have asked me that question, the only answer i had to that question was, i never got the chance to be a pair. I am happy that i didnt get a chance really, since all that has led me to write this blog, work on my writing, study for my exams and there is no harm in being alone, since being alone doesn't make you lonely, it just makes you single. 

The single ogre in the single swamp, is better than the millions of prince charmings. So, watch out girls, the next swamp is right around the corner. 

The horrors of work

The clock struck nine and I am still dressing up! In the back of my mind, I can see my boss’ flared nostrils as he scrunches his forehead in fury.

The purple, throbbing vein in his throat might pop any moment. He is shouting, his spit flying all over. And I am still getting ready.

I try my best to catch the first metro

The first auto

None the less, I reach fifteen minutes late. As I step into the office, as quietly as a church mouse, the boss, smelling the putrid stench of fear turns around. His eyes red with rage, I cringe and the firing brigade enters the room.

After what seems to be a millennium of flying sputum and curse words, I go and sit on my desk.

I still feel the raging bull’s peering eyes into my back but I try to ignore it. What more can go wrong today! The boss comes over, announces two more articles for the day and I sink into my seat. One article takes up about five cigarettes and half my day, how was I supposed to finish three??

Trying to see the flickering silver-lining over the dark cloud, I think, it would be a creative challenge and I should take it.

 I tie a figurative working cloth on my head, pat my arms and start to write. After a few toiling hours, i realise, my first article is done, I take it proudly to my boss, happily, smiling all the way, he reads it, looks at me, smirks and tells me to redo the whole two thousand words of it.

I still stay upbeat to try and finish the work and within a blink of a second, it’s six and the guard is trying to break me away from the desk.

Taking home a disc with all the data in, I can see how my boyfriend is going to sulk in one corner of the room while I ignore him to complete my work. His puppy eyes digging deep into my back, his curse words travelling all the way to my boss’ dreams and him plotting the easiest way to kill him in his sleep.

There is no escaping the wrath of the monster of monotony. It is going to come everyday, make us all office goers curse Monday like it's the devil's original spawn.

 However, looking at the better side of the pillow, there is always the weekend, to relax, bitch and drink a little beer. So, why stop living? The boss has my week, I have his weekends, while i relax and enjoy a little time with my boyfriend, he flies over to Bombay to attend a meeting and kiss up to his boss. 

These small things are the ones that make me enjoy my office time. The amount of work and punishment i endure, i still get time with the three things i enjoy - food, books and a little loving from the one i love, on the other hand, my boss has to sit in a big empty conference room, nod along to the ramblings of the ice queen, fight a little with his nagging wife, have a sip of whisky and lie on the hotel bed, sleepless all night.

Isn't karma sweet? 

Don't give up

Little voice - Don't give up !
Me - Who says i am giving up ?
Little Voice - I'm just sayin - Don't !


I went through a little turmoil,. Not a big one, just a little one, which ended with me crying buckets in the washroom. The ten days of my life, that led me to finding myself again. I was lost in the middle of making an identity for some one who did not think i existed. Not like he didn't know me. Not like he thought i was imaginary.  I was his friend, care-taker, lover, confidant. Yet, i was not important enough to have an identity in his life. Because. He had three more girls who were the same to him.

I was on the quest to be the only one for two years. Trying to turn every stone, make any move possible for him to care. Till i was tired. I was tired of feeling bad for myself, feeling unloved and unnoticed. I was the hidden one, the one no one was supposed to know about. I was just a passing friend in others' eyes and for me he was the world, i did not care that no one else thought i was important, i just wanted him to tell me my worth in his life. It took me two years to realise that what i was doing was not worth it at all.

The tears that i have wasted,  the time i have spent and the nights i have spent away just to make him happy, were not worth it, because, no matter what i did, i was never as special as the other girls in his life. I can not start to explain how many times i cried just thinking about my position in HIS life. And soon enough it wasn't even about me any more. Those tears were falling because of him and bow pretty his girl friends were. Why he was spending time with them, it didn't matter that he wasn't with me, i didn't want him with them. That is when i realised, it cannot be this way anymore.

The needy girl has to move away. He was my first 'love', the love that could not be and it was time i moved on. It took me ten days of tears and a lot of ice cream to gather the courage to fight for my identity back. And a week of verbal abuse and tears soon led to me being independent again. I won't deny the fact that i still miss him, it happened quite recently, but i would say, i feel lighter. The weight of foutr people has lifted from my shoulders and now i can go back to worrying about my own!

My  friends told me from the start that he was not worth the trouble but i never listened, so i suffered for two years. In the process, i became some one i hated, i betrayed and lied to my friends, went out with guys i didn't like, took pills to fall ill, went on hurtful diets, just so that i could get a word of concern out of him. None worked, and i knew, sometimes it's just not meant to be.

 I was the stepping stone for him to get to his other girls and thats all i was for him, accepting that fact now, i can say i learnt a bitter lesson and i did get some thing good out of it. I may still be weak in front of him, but, now i can make sure that none of this will happen again.

I just hope my posts can help some one else in  the same situation, Just because you think you are inferior doesn't make you any lesser than the other people around you. If you want people to like you  - BE YOURSELF. I know that sounds cliched, but, it is cliched because it is true. Never lose your self in the long run, because the ones who can't find your worth in their lives aren't worth in yours.

Till next time, this rambler has gone a little wiser but not any less draamebaaz!

Silver Linings Playbook

There are times when i think to myself. There have to be millions of girls like me out there. How the hell did i come onto the conclusion that i was special. That i was the only one with the problems. Maybe the problems didn't come in the same sequence, or even degree, but i am sure, there are other girls who have had the same life as i.

There has to be some way to make every one understand, you are not the only one. STOP LAMENTING OVER YOUR LIFE!

And no, do not skew this into thinking, "That was quite rude! She is just bitter because she doesn't get attention."  This is my way of rationalising the situations i have gone through. There have been people in worse conditions (i know - i have heard the stories about the starving children at the dinner table) however, the situations i have been in, though not as bad as theirs, have been tormenting for me.

So this is my list of Silver linings!

I lost my father when i was a kid - there has to be a positive to this! I cannot keep slapping my forehead and yelling "Why me lord?!" all my life! Once he was no more, i was the only thing keeping my mother sane ( that's what she said! As far as i can recall, i must have driven her to the brink of insanity with my tantrums ), i became secluded, dove head straight into books to keep me happy... leading to me staying away from partying, drugs, sex and a hell lot of things the cool kids were experimenting with at that time.

I saw what the consequences were for some of them. Teenage pregnancies, getting involved with thugs and goons, failing school, it was a nightmare, but they pulled through by teaching themselves one sentence - at least we were cool and famous.

I had several heartbreaks as a teenager, no boy was really ready to go out with me, and my crushes  were definitely repelled by my actions. I remember telling one such incident in my previous posts. Where is the silver lining? I developed character and a personality. I didn't manage to make my self thin and shallow like a lot of school girls i see now. I am loved by the people who know me (not bragging, but really they do love me - can't write this without a smirk on my face)

I commited the blunder of taking risky and addictive substances in college. I only hung out with boys because of this and became the root of a lot of unwanted rumours. So much so that there came a time when i was linked with more than five guys at once. Silver lining? I had fun with the guys, even though it was the wrong way, i gained experiance, i came to know what is wrong and to what degree was it considered right. I now know that my kids will go through the same phase and unlike my previous generation, i would be a little more tolerant about engaging in social drinking, smoking, etc. I might be more understanding if such a situation arrives.

I fell in love with a boy who used me ... for over two years. Sounds like i was stupid and he was just being a guy. I lost my self esteem, i lost many friends, i lost my mind, my enthusiasm for life, i lost him in the end too.  Silver lining - I have a thicker skin now. There have been other guys in my life after him, but they have not once led me to tears, when in his case, it had become a ritual for me to cry every other day. I have understood that only i can keep myself happy and no one else can do that for me. Some one getting on your nerves? Ignore them! They don't have power over your life! If they come to your house after that - get a restraining order and enjoy a cup of tea/coffee with a good book.

I didn't get the liberty of being too spoilt. yes i was spoilt, but never to the extent of getting my own brand new car, a psp, i do not even own a personal gameboy, i have not gone out for late night reckless parties with my friends, not gone clubbing, pubbing, boozing, jazzing, smashing or orgying. Though i would still consider the fact that i did miss out on a lot, i have my whole life ahead to do these things. Silver lining - I turned out saner than some of my other single children compadres. While they just cannot seem to adjust to living out on their own, or even in 'crowded' environments i can take care of myself to some level. Being a single child, i am also NOT afraid of being alone for some time. A one room apartment is no big deal for me.

I am going to stop here, it's late already and i think i am becoming a little preachy this time. I am going to leave you with this thought though - There is always something good that comes out of all that is bad. If you think that your bad luck won't stop, look at it this way, it just makes you stronger for the next round of crap life is going to throw at you. 

This is not a joke anymore

It is not enough for people to judge themselves on the basis of their 'breadth' and 'weight'... there are other beauty factors i have failed to mention - Skin tone, hair, facial features, 'assets'. Mostly i feel now, we have become more judgmental about our own appearances than others.

While women have been piling on make up and bathing in beer and milk for generations, they have come out with another way of enhancing their beauty - Eating disorders and plastic surgery. I am not going to say that i am the hard working kind and i understand i have no place to say anything in this matter when i myself can be counted as three people in one body. However, as an opinionated person, i have to make this call - Standards of beauty have been raised too high. 

While my heart pains as i see all the pretty women around me, my brain tells me - " Why are you not enhancing what you really are good at!?" This really just hit me tonight, why have i stopped doing what i was good at? Why am i looking for others' approval? Do they matter so much to me? Yes staying fit should be a way of life, but, looking good can never be a necessity. It SHOULD never be a necessity. Looking back to my school years and early college life, i knew i was a good student. I got through thick novels days, i read up on facts and used to be a biology wiz! 

Now what am i good at? I am an average student, an average employee and to add to that, i have average looks. I know, it is not too late for me yet. I am still in my twenties, i have a long way to go before mid life crisis puts me into depression and i take an oath. I will look forward to being fit and healthy as i may please. More than that, i will get back to  what i did best - BE A NERD! 

I always wanted to be thin and popular. In college, i came close to being one of those and it came back and slapped me right in the face, looking back i know i have lost quite a few 'friends' in the 'pursuit of cool', but all is not ruined yet. All i have to keep in mind is - beauty is still just skin deep. One day it has to fade away, why try to keep my vanity inflated, when i have so much to discover in life Maybe all this is the leftover teenager hormones in me speaking, but really, it is high time girls got out of this stigma of BEING FAT! 

You have a muffin top? EMBRACE IT! Your belly jiggles when you walk? PUT SOME MUSIC ON FOR IT! Who is going to care about your BMI when you become a successful lawyer, artist, engineer, writer, even POLITICIAN? Do you think any one deep enough for basic comprehension ever wondered what Indra Gandhi had for breakfast? Or why Oprah was not really a skinny blonde ? 

I can give the answer - No one cares! No one cares about your looks when you have achieved something in life. (Another thought to add- About achievements; It won't fit here though, another post for that).

Anyway, this outburst came because of a close friend of mine, going on about her looks. She and i were - infact, are, on the same boat. Fat, average and nothing better to do but to drone about and wallow in self pity. Till. She showed me a video. A video about an anorexic woman. Who was ironically talking about anorexia being a dangerous disease. And all i heard from her by the end of it was, "Isn't she thin? I wish i was that thin." 

This is what has happened to teenagers now, they cannot fathom a deeper meaning to anything! All has to be about looks and looks only! My eyes were opened and i wish i can do the same for my friend. The sad part is, she does not realise there are people who find her pretty, there are people who cherish her. All she is running after is the approval of the people who could think of nothing better of an insult than calling her fat. 

This is the video we watched together - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz-nPMTXduo&NR=1&feature=fvwp ... Try and prove my outburst wrong.

Can't take my eyes off you

I left writing in the middle, because, well, i got caught in the wonders of FML moments in my life, working and even getting back to the addictions i wanted to get rid of. I have to admit, writing all this for everyone to see was a good sign for me and like always, i lost interest midway.

Have you ever had that happen to you ? Losing interest? I have always lost interest in things that have been good for me - diets, plans, routines, etc. But never the ones that sucked the living hell out of me - I got back into a torrid relationship that had pushed me to the brink of seeking professional help (no, not couples counselling! The other kind of help - where he is the topic of discussion) that, in change got me back to my smoking ( i haven't gone back to drinking yet and thank God for that ).

There should be warning signs slapped on guys' heads. Warnings that can help stupid and naive people like me from making mistakes like i always manage to make. Many should come with 'self centered' and 'mama's boy' just tattooed right up there, others should have the more dangerous 'addictive personality , 'prone to domestic violence' even 'emotional blackmailer' labels.

I didn't have the beater (my good luck? ) but i did have the blackmailer, who is also self centered and cannot apparently for some reason even take a step without asking for help. Why ask the help? The reason being, when something does go wrong in his life, he has someone else to blame other than himself and that's where i came in, the go to girl, his gopher, apart from being his 'friend', his confidant and lover, i was his personal secretary, his treasurer, his magic 8 ball (not taking the word ball lightly here).

I have said the line "Leave him, he is a jerk" Hell lot of times and yes, he can be listed as yet another one of my addictions, however, he has become such a normal way of my life, i can't imagine a day without him acting like the evil one that he is. A day when he doesn't call for help or another sob story about his girlfriends (yes, i am the go to girl for that too, freaky right? ) i feel weird, i feel incomplete.

This may be really unfathomable for many of you reading, what is this girl doing to herself? Why is she not looking for greener pastures? Trust me i have tried, may be it's my bad luck that i have to stay with him, till some thing better comes along or just plain stupidity, i'd rather not know.

Reading all that i have written the song - ' Blower's daughter' comes to mind. The lyrics make sense and as self obsessed as i am, i feel the song is made just for what i feel for that unforgivable mistake i once called love. 

Dear Dad

Dear dad

First off, i want to say - i miss you too much. So much it hurts. The pain crawls down my skin and seeps into my heart and my brain. Blinds me and renders me paralyzed. I know it has been too long that you left us, but i wont move on from you.

Eight years i have spent coping without you. Mom has spent coping with me. My mood swings, my life's ups and downs and her own. I have grown up from the small chubby girl to a lady. Still on the chubby side, i feel out of place now. I can't stop thinking of the what ifs and wish you were heres.

It has been a long journey without you. I have had a few broken hearts and so has mom, special moments and joyous occasions too. I passed school with a few scratches and i am about pass college.

I have gone through a roller coaster of experiences and i would have to say i couldn't have done it without my mom helping me get up when i was fallen. I fell in love with a boy, who broke my heart, i know if you would have been here, i might have gotten the courage to let him go, i got a few bad grades and i know if you would have been here, i might have gotten the liberty to move past them. I got a few bruises and scratches and i know, if you would have been here, i might have gotten recklessness to laugh at them. But i had my mom, and even though i didn't really have the life i had planned, it was a whole new and better life. When i didn't have the courage, she gave me a helping hand, when i didn't have the liberty, she took the first step, when i didn't have the recklessness, she took the risk and i must say, i didn't miss you much then, i didn't miss you as much as i had expected.

I still miss you, the way the sun misses the moon, destined never to meet for eternity.

I miss you so much it hurts, my life would have been different and now that i think of it, if i had the chance i would have told you how much i loved you the last time we talked. With what has boiled over, i still thank you for watching over me and i would still miss you all the same till time takes its toll over me. 

Addicted

Addiction.

You can't control it. It seeps into you on the very first bite, sip, puff, even look. You can't escape an addiction. It will follow you, feed on you as you foster it, till you are empty from within.

Don't take heed to people who say its very easy to get rid of it. They are all wrong. They haven't gone through a real addiction. I am not telling you that it will never leave you. It will. Once you cannot help it anymore. Once you have no strength anymore.

I have been addicted. To a lot of things. Cigarettes, food, alcohol ... mostly food.

But the other ones were quite addictive. So much so that i was called for interventions, taken to the hospital and mostly scolded by my friends. I won't say i was addicted like the ones you find fallen face down on the streets ( i have seen some of those and they were never as funny as the memes you see on facebook) but i was addicted, i was stuck in the vortex and i couldn't get out. I couldn't think straight without it.

It was a bad time in my life, even though it wasn't as bad as the others', it was enough to take me to the edge. I want to share every aspect of my life with all of you. I have no idea what the reason really is. Maybe i want the attention or i just want people who are in situations like mine to get a heads up for what's in store for them.

I will start with the stories in another post but the point i want to make here is - Don't get into a situation you cannot get out of. It is hard, there are a lot of tempting offers from a lot of persuasive people. But you have to follow through. Having fun does not mean leaving the rest of your life behind. No preaching going on here. I want people to understand - i am still young, it's not my place to teach ,but i can still give a warning and a shout out to all my friends out there, to just be careful. The world is not a good place for naive and sweet people. They get crushed the fastest.

Till the next time - I wish all of you best of luck and have a happy life. 

And the day begins ...

 I would like to add another story from my past to the list. This one won't be as mellow as the last one. I promise.

How about getting to the awkward years of my teenage?

I have to say... i was never skinny. I mean i was skinny some time back, but never in school. I was very open minded, keen to know more, fun to be around, intelligent and a lot of other things, but, never thin. This always took a toll on my self esteem, as my crushes never seemed to notice me.

One such a crush happened to be in my class when i was in (i am gonna guess this one) the eighth standard. I'm not sure, but i was in the senior section since we were allowed in the big library. Which is where this incident took place.

We had a weekly system of borrowing an returning books and a lot of people used to take extra books under the students' names who were not so keen on studying. This was a regular habit for me, since i had no social obligations, i used up my free time listening to the radio and sliding through numerous pages of novels.

One such library day, i wanted to borrow an extra book and was out of people to smuggle it under. So, i scanned the room and noticed my crush. He was a short guy, with creamy white skin and a ripped body. (ok, so maybe this was not eighth). Any way, he was a bashing up a dorky looking boy with a book, laughing at his plight. (Sigh, the smile).

A passing bird told me he had not used his library card in months, and was free, if i was still looking for some one's name to borrow the book on. I didn't want to disturb him kicking the poor dweeb's stomach, so i waited a little and almost fifteen minutes passed by as i kept staring at him. He must have noticed me staring, since he stopped beating up the kid and stared back at me. It seemed like an eternity (But i am sure, it happened for a second). I had to poke the bear now, or it was never.

I took a deep breath and went upto him. All i had to say was, "will you issue this book out for me please." I kept repeating the line in my head as i moved towards him.

I reached about ten steps away from him and tried to call him out. "Hey" i spoke timidly, "hey" i said again. he looked up. I took in all the air i could fill into my lungs and out came a husky voice, " Will you get this book issued for me?"
The voice was right out of a shady light - porn starring yours truly. I have to be honest with you, this was the only time in the 24 years i have been on this planet have i talked in that deep voice. It was hoarse, and seemed welcoming in a very raunchy way. It made my skin crawl as the words left my lips. However, again, it must have been me, I must've thought too much into the situation. He took the book from my hands and in his oh-so-sweet voice and boyishly good-looking smirk, said, " Sure babe, anything for you." (also, i have come across this line being said to me a lot of times, it has also resulted in me down a rut at some point after being spoken to. It's cursed, i guess.)
At this point i must have been drooling, since he laughed a bit and then took the book to the check out counter, once he was done, he called out my name. I, from the other end of the hall, had a surge of energy in my feet and i kid you not, i glided across the hoards of classmates, some throwing books at each other, others standing in a group and gossiping (yes, this was our school library) and came to a stop right behind him.

Instead of doing the sane thing, i.e. calling out to him and thanking him, i leaned in from the back and spoke softly into his ears. The hoarse, not-so-sexy voice back in my throat, i spoke, " Thanks a ton honey."
It was obvious the whole incident must have startled the begeezuz out of him, so much so, that he jumped on his feet and turned around shaking. Shoved the book in my hands and bee lined across the hall to his friends and that was how i lost another crush to my stupid methods of seduction.

He did muster up the courage to ask me what class we had next, the beezlebub voice appeared again and made an encore appearance in front of him. "it's gonna be Phys. Ed. Dahling" With that i saw the last of him and his proximity around me. He was never to be seen within a hundred steps of me ever again. FML ... or FML ?

Obsession

She was jealous, of all the girls he talked to,all the girls he could talk to, and all the the girls he must be thinking of, she looked at herself in the mirror, " what is missing in me? " . The inbox open in her phone, the words - ' i miss you' , typed three hours ago, unsent, staring at her patronizingly.
She wanted him all for herself, for that,she had to be better, than the beautiful girls around him, some with their thin waists,others with unblemished beautiful skin,and some with slender legs , a few with long black hair.
She was nothing like them, and she knew he would never look at her, 'maybe if i made my grand gesture,' she thought.

she turned to the pile of photos on her bed, each one of a different day, - him sitting at the cafeteria, smiling at her; him sitting with a girl, she didn't know her name - 'the slut' ; him playing basket ball shirt less, him eating food, him sleeping in his bed, and a a lot more thrust under the pillow.

She needed her grand gesture, he was never going to fall in love with her, he was never going to fall for a sweet heart like her, he wanted those beautiful girls, not her.
She took a knife, cut her finger, looked at him, his eyes wide open, she didn't think it was fear, it was admiration, for waht she was about to do. He was tied up, she didnt want him to run away to his girls again. This time she made sure.

"i love you, " she said, looking at him, he was shaking a bit now, obviousley not out of fear, it was the excitement to know what would happen next.she turned the A.C on, he had been sweating for quite some time, her cut finger had stopped dripping, so she took the knife again, this time dragging it deep from the start of her palm till below her wrist. Blood gushed out fast now.

He was not crying out despair, but out of the bursting love emerging for her now.

It was time to show him how much she loved him. "Its my gift to you," she said, stroking her bloodied hand against his face.

The green eyed monster

What will a girl be without her emotions.

She is overridden with thoughts, panicky thoughts.
Anger, happiness, jealousy... so much jealousy and pride. Emotions flow as soon as she wakes up. Different ones are triggered through words, newly discovered news (gossip to be more precise), photographs, objects, you really don't know what can change a girl's mood.

How do i know girls are unpredictable? I just experienced it first hand. I was going through my friend's list on Facebook and came across a - how do say this? A frenemy? Are there such things in real life? I thought they were only alive in sitcoms. 

Anyway, i saw her recent photographs. One of them showed her standing beside her friends as she wore a summer dress and a pair of sunglasses, which were too big for her face (sense the tone of bitchiness in the words?) The photos made my heart miss a beat. She was toned. She had a thin face now. And she looked, regrettably more beautiful than the last time i saw her.

The pangs of jealousy tore through my chest. I kept staring at her. I had always envied her. The way her hair used to have a certain lustre, Her skin, flawlessly white and soft. She had eyelashes that could touch her eyebrows and big brown eyes, which could melt any boy looking into them. She always had boys running after her. Many even befriended me to get to her.

This had put a black seed in my head and watching her become sexier and thinner just made me lose my cool. I always felt inferior to her, she always had the most handsome boyfriends, she got A-grades in her college and school projects and was quite popular. And she was friends with me. You might imagine my anger when the boys i liked used to ask me whether she was available.

It's not like i was not good at what i did, or that i was not good looking enough. She was just better. When i left for my job, i thought i had lost contact for good, then i remembered Mark Zuckerberg had already invented Facebook and there was no letting go of the people i didn't like. I had to tolerate her becoming more and more enticing with age as i sat in my house and grew larger. We were the same size once- and not fat! We were both on the thinner side and i still felt unsure about my self. This just says that i didn't have enough self confidence but her beauty never helped either.

I felt good about my self when she used to tell me she liked my dressing sense better. Well, i was better at some thing. Once i grow older, i know i am going to read this post and laugh at myself, but till then, i have to say, she just put in the anger i needed to get back into shape. Jealousy is a mean little monster.

It makes you think the worst of things, and gets the more powerful Mr. Hyde out of you. It can make you do terrible things. I have done horribly wrong things out of jealousy. Well that story is for another time. So to end this post all i have to say is - I am trying to get back to my dieting and exercise regime. It's high time i stopped feeling sorry for myself and regained my position as the more beautiful one out of the two of us. Jealousy helped me in this situation. Maybe it's not so bad after all. 

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

I am back with more ramblings

Today's amalgamation of thoughts - Who is a good friend ?

I have had many, how should i put this - pals? Should i go with that word? Since friend, in today's time is too strong  a word. When i was younger (look at me being all old and wise) i used to take companionship really seriously. I could do anything in the name of friendship. Even go against my parents. Well that came back and bit me on my behind. For me, any one who was nice to me and talked to me was my best friend.
And a lot of people took this naivety for granted.

I don't want to make this a serious and sombre post, but somehow, my mood isn't letting me do the opposite. So, i am just going to let my thoughts flow and let the post be what it has to be.

Once i keep my thoughts in place, i see how i expect too much out of a person. Every one expects to recieve the love they give and maybe i loved too hard. Not looking at what and whom i really should have loved - my family, my mother, father, even my dogs. They never got the attention they deserved. I was too busy seeking the fondness elsewhere. It is not like i am saying friendship isn't sacred anymore, but it's soiled.

I have five people i know outside my family, whom i respect, and admire for their patience with me, even though they weren't blood.
I look at the unforgettable series  - F.R.I.E.N.D.S, I had built a fantasy in my head watching it. I saw myself living with a bunch of people who took as much care of me as i of them. It never turned out that way. Maybe i am being impatient, i might just have all my fantasies come true in due time, but, till then, it is the bitter disappointments i have suffered because of my own laughable assumptions.

How do you judge friendship? Is it judged at all? Should anyone love a friend unconditionally? Are there demands and clauses in every friendship? Is friendship really a give-take arrangemnt? I have too many questions that have gone unanswered.

It's not like i have turned into a cynic and lost all hope. I still strive to look at the world through my rose coloured glasses and hope to find a few glowing spirits like me.

Here is with a big sigh, that i leave this article at its bitter end. I seem to have vented most of my feelings. Might come back with more soon. 

Katie Makkai "Pretty"

I came across this poem through a kind friend, who was astonished at the way i saw myself. This poem really opened some closed doors in my head. It is a must read and do watch her reciting it passionately in her Youtube video.  



When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother, “What will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be pretty? Will I be pretty? What comes next? Oh right, will I be rich?” Which is almost pretty depending on where you shop. And the pretty question infects from conception, passing blood and breath into cells. The word hangs from our mothers' hearts in a shrill fluorescent floodlight of worry.

“Will I be wanted? Worthy? Pretty?” But puberty left me this funhouse mirror dryad: teeth set at science fiction angles, crooked nose, face donkey-long and pox-marked where the hormones went finger-painting. My poor mother.

“How could this happen? You'll have porcelain skin as soon as we can see a dermatologist. You sucked your thumb. That's why your teeth look like that! You were hit in the face with a Frisbee when you were 6. Otherwise your nose would have been just fine!

“Don't worry. We'll get it fixed!” She would say, grasping my face, twisting it this way and that, as if it were a cabbage she might buy.

But this is not about her. Not her fault. She, too, was raised to believe the greatest asset she could bestow upon her awkward little girl was a marketable facade. By 16, I was pickled with ointments, medications, peroxides. Teeth corralled into steel prongs. Laying in a hospital bed, face packed with gauze, cushioning the brand new nose the surgeon had carved.

Belly gorged on 2 pints of my blood I had swallowed under anesthesia, and every convulsive twist of my gut like my body screaming at me from the inside out, “What did you let them do to you!”

All the while this never-ending chorus droning on and on, like the IV needle dripping liquid beauty into my blood. “Will I be pretty? Will I be pretty? Like my mother, unwrapping the gift wrap to reveal the bouquet of daughter her $10,000 bought her? Pretty? Pretty.”

And now, I have not seen my own face for 10 years. I have not seen my own face in 10 years, but this is not about me.

This is about the self-mutilating circus we have painted ourselves clowns in. About women who will prowl 30 stores in 6 malls to find the right cocktail dress, but haven't a clue where to find fulfillment or how wear joy, wandering through life shackled to a shopping bag, beneath those 2 pretty syllables.

About men wallowing on bar stools, drearily practicing attraction and everyone who will drift home tonight, crest-fallen because not enough strangers found you suitably fuckable.

This, this is about my own some-day daughter. When you approach me, already stung-stayed with insecurity, begging, “Mom, will I be pretty? Will I be pretty?” I will wipe that question from your mouth like cheap lipstick and answer, “No! The word pretty is unworthy of everything you will be, and no child of mine will be contained in five letters.

“You will be pretty intelligent, pretty creative, pretty amazing. But you, will never be merely 'pretty'.”

I like you like i like my fat sister

Is it normal for men to comment openly about girls? Do they think it is charming to tell tell us about our physical flaws in public? Maybe this happens with me on a regular basis, so i have taken it to be their second nature.

What's more, i try to make amends with my hurt ego by buying clothes and i get booed off by eve-teasers. A new low for me. Getting booed off the streets by eve-teasers. I know i shouldn't take their remarks into consideration. However, to point out the deep dark secret - No matter how much a girl says she hates eve teasers, they are one of the many promoters of beauty. In their own cheap, vulgar way, they let you know - 'Honey, you look gorgeous'. And to tell you the truth, a girl, who gets such harassment on a daily basis, will wonder to herself whether she was looking bad, if she went unnoticed one day.

It is quite rare that i have come across a guy who liked me just the way i am. For over five years now, almost every boy has said this line to me," You are pretty, but, you would be gorgeous if you were thin." or even the more hands-on sentence, "I like you, but i would have loved you if you were thinner."

It would be a surprise if one day a handsome six feet tall man came upto me and said he liked me on the first glance. That doesn't happen to me even after a year of knowing each other. Almost all the men in my life have stopped at liking me as their friend. The excuse - You are kinda too fat. There have been a few admirers (why won't there be? I am beautiful!) However, i have screwed it up many times and just lost hope now.

I got off track there for a minute, sinking too much into self pity. However, i am still stumped about the comments passed towards me. It was not enough to just stare and snicker quietly. They took a step further to make their remarks official by being loud enough to be heard. Maybe i could just forget about the whole incident like a normal person would do, but somehow, this hurt like hell!

A dialogue with the dead

Ok, so, in the last post I told you that I would reveal some of the drama that has already happened in my life. It is upto you to believe whatever I write here. It might be too bold for you or maybe this happens to everyone and I just make a big deal about everything. It's for you to decide.

I should start with some thing small.

One night as I was sitting on my bed with my cousins. We had just come back from my dad's funeral. it wasn't a sad morning. people had been mourning all week and now they were tired. I was just 11, I didn't understand why everyone kept crying. The death of my father had not seeped into my soul yet. As we buried our feet into the quilt, I felt a gush of wind sweep past my ear. The door was open and suddenly the weather had taken a turn for the worse.

we sat looking at each other's faces. The winds started t grow stronger.they grew colder. My cousin looked at me and shivered, "Did you talk to your father?"

Ilooked scared. I had not talked to him in the hospital. Not even when he was on his death bed. my mother had decided, I wasn't old enough to handle the pain of watching him die.

My cousin stared at my face, which was slowly turning a paler shade of  white. She repeated her question. I looked at her and then I turned to look out the door, it had turned from a dry sunny afternoon to a dreary, black, monstrous  evening. The winds making the trees to bow to their prowess .

I thought to myself. " Daddy, is that you ?"

Clenching my eyes shut, I concentrated to see his face in my head.

"Dad? Is that you? "

The winds blew harder.

"Daddy, if this is really you, give me a sign."

Lightening struck on a nearby tree and the stray dogs howled for their lives.

As a young kid, who had not seen any such co-incidences yet, believed it to be a sign sent straight  from  the heavens.

"Daddy, you are scaring my cousins. I am here for you."
The storm seemed to smoothen.

"Daddy, I know you miss me, I miss you too.  I wanted to see you before they took you away."
Another stroke of lightening and I was sure I was having a spiritual dialogue with the dead.

"Daddy, please don't be mad, I am always here with you."

The winds appeased.

I smiled to myself. My father loved me still.

My cousins were shaking under the quilt. I looked at them, smiling to myself. They were scared of my father, the man who loved them and me. The one who could never hurt a soul while he lived.
As I tried to change the topic among the other children in the room, I knew my father and I were going to be inseparable for life.

I am addicted to Stumble Upon and Pinterest!
While Facebook has become a necessity.
It is not that I don't have anything else to do! I have the office. I have my work. At home I have a dog to look after. So, why do these media take over my life?

The first thing I do when I enter the office or even the house is open my laptop and check my notifications. I don't care if my dog is fed, if some one broke into my house and robbed me. I care about the notifications I got on the websites!
Well I have to be adamant about one thing - Following them sure is fun!
Stumble Upon is such an experience! People from all over the world putting in articles. Some amazing, some stupid and all of them interesting. Pinterest has the most beautiful pictures and incredible videos which i have come across.
While Facebook simply caresses my vanity to its optimum size, since it makes me feel like a celebrity. Providing me with likes and followers. People sharing my posts and genuinely giving a feedback on my thoughts (even if it is just about my trip to the refrigerator).

You can see how this can be addicting. The false sense of popularity one would get from these sites is very misleading, yet, very pleasing. I know this has been talked about. Whatever i write here has already been talked about! By what you must have read so far, you would have made up your mind about me. 'She must be a loner, and must have no life. Well, maybe in the next post i will tell you the drama that has already happened in my life.

It is a sad time to be fat.

I am single on valentines day and all my friends who are in a relationship have been wishing me since morning. As if to taunt me - "Hey! No one likes you and we are here to remind you of that every second!"

I feel like puking when I hear what the guys are doing for their girlfriends today. A gag reflex developed with almost 20 years of single hood to back me up. I am sitting on my chair in one corner of the office, sipping on tasteless green tea and I can't think of any thing to work on as of now, since all my mind can think about is the fact that no one even looks at me! Or is it my imagination? Do guys notice me and i don't notice them?  Do they try to talk to me but I turn them down unconsciously?

If you can imagine a more painful situation for a highly vain person like me, do tell me.

A lot of people have said these words to me, " You have to wait for the right one." " They don't just drop into your laps! You have to go out and socialise!" "Keep your options open, don't restrict yourself to your fantasy man." A lot of malarkey on the same lines. I have one word for every one with the same advice - What! Followed by a disgusted face.  

I have a few questions for them. Firstly - If I have to wait, and you didn't, does that mean you did something I am not doing? Or maybe you compromised for a relationship? If I have to lower my standards, does that mean the guy lowered his too? Where do i go to socialise? Pubs and bars? I thought those were destinations for one night stands. My fantasy list has been cut down to three things - Intelligent, caring and a good personality. I still don't have a guy. Does this mean there are no men who have these at least these three traits together? Should I cut my list down to one word? That situation really depresses me.

I thought India had a skewed sex ratio, shouldn't that mean I should have had guys falling head over hells for me? Or maybe it's a myth.

I just had a small conversation with my friend, who is also, surprisingly single (turns out thin, good looking girls also remain single on Valentine's), the whole chat went some thing like this -

Her - "Happy Valentine's day!"
Me - "Bullshit."
Her - "Oh ya, i forgot, we are still single."
Me - "How is it possible that we are still single.?"
Her - "We are not bitches.Guys run after girls who are cruel to them."
Me - "So, why can't we turn into bitches?"
Her - "We need guys around us to act like bitches."
Me - "But, we are single...  and no one is really interested in us."
Her - "So there is no point being a bitch, is there?"
Me - "No."
Her - "It's a deadly trap."
Me - "Sigh"

So, by now, you must empathise with my dilemma. I don't have much to look forward to on Valentine's day. I do have this book by Harold Robbins called "The Carpetbaggers", which makes my life seem quite smooth.

I was walking in the subway to get to the metro station today and i saw a vision in black and blue. She had long black hair, and flawless milky skin. She had big brown eyes and teeny tiny waist. Wearing electric blue jeans and light brown boots. With a white loose shirt and a navy blue jacket with gold buttons. She looked enigmatic! Beautiful! That is when a small voice in my head said "I don't want to spend my twenties trapped in a fat suit!"

I want to be beautiful. When i see myself in the mirror i see a pretty, young girl, what people see is a fat plain Jane who doesn't know how to dress right. I decided it was high time i had procrastinated my diet plan enough already and i just had another two months to make the wrong binging into the beautiful girl from within. So this should be the last sad, fat girl post i write. I hope to keep track of my diet from tomorrow morning and start exercising as soon as my legs stop paining. (Another story attached to the last part).

I might make progress since this is a public post and i have to be regular here. 

"You have grown so fat darling". This is how my mother greets me every morning. It's not harsh or a cruel poke at my pudgy exterior. It's out of concern. I get that. Watching you kids grow out of their clothes is fun till they are nineteen, after that it's just scary. May it be vertically or horizontally.
She has been in denial about the fact that i just plain like food and am really, very, lazy! She has gone to  the extent of getting my thyroid, diabetes checked, just to try and find an excuse for my growing width and it is not a pretty sight.

How do you stop the daily alarm from ringing on 'You ma'am, are fat!'? From exercising and dieting? I laugh at the face of diets! I cannot, for the life of me wake up at six in the morning just to sweat and go red in the cheeks for an hour and a half. I don't have it in me.
I did try that for a week. Went and repeatedly saw my body jiggle a vibrate to the rhythm of the treadmill and the awful gym music. Made me gag a little. It wasn't a pretty sight to be surrounded by mirrors on all the sides. You can see each crevice of your spilling fat! Stand in front of those life size mirrors and try to prove me wrong, even my anorexic friend would find a small piece of flesh out of place on her body on those mirrors.

So i have decided to give it yet another try.  The sad truth remains i still have to get a grip on my laziness.

My last meal

So yes, i have started a blog since i am self obsessed.
A lot of people do this. Self obsession is an art.You can't term it as narcissism or vanity. Self obsession is scrutiny and constant observation of your own actions, personality and looks. It is a pain, a full time job, with no retirement date.
Above all this, it is a love-hate relationship, i love looking at myself in the mirror, but i hate what i see. And, really, i have heard all the cliched lines there are to hear, " Beauty comes from within." "One is judged by their actions, not looks." "A woman without curves is a dog without a bone." There are many more, maybe you could remind me of some. And yes, I know, this is a cliched blog. With what promotion Ruby has done on Tv, weight, self image, staying slim - you name it and it's on people's minds.
I am going to try to be regular with what i write, this being my third attempt at a blog! All right, another one for the road. This post has taken me a week to write and really there is nothing interesting in this post apart from the fact that it is absolutely un interesting. So much so, that it borders right on retarded.

Maybe being this self obsessed has its shortcomings, no one else wants to read what a paranoid, almost schizophrenic girl with low self esteem has to say. How about i make you a deal. I start talking, you tell me i am dumb and then i chatter some more. Till obviously the day comes (which eventually it does come) that i grow tired of keeping a regular regimen. Till then, let's keep out of each other's hair trying to look for the extra large peanut we call our brian.