Don't give up

Little voice - Don't give up !
Me - Who says i am giving up ?
Little Voice - I'm just sayin - Don't !


I went through a little turmoil,. Not a big one, just a little one, which ended with me crying buckets in the washroom. The ten days of my life, that led me to finding myself again. I was lost in the middle of making an identity for some one who did not think i existed. Not like he didn't know me. Not like he thought i was imaginary.  I was his friend, care-taker, lover, confidant. Yet, i was not important enough to have an identity in his life. Because. He had three more girls who were the same to him.

I was on the quest to be the only one for two years. Trying to turn every stone, make any move possible for him to care. Till i was tired. I was tired of feeling bad for myself, feeling unloved and unnoticed. I was the hidden one, the one no one was supposed to know about. I was just a passing friend in others' eyes and for me he was the world, i did not care that no one else thought i was important, i just wanted him to tell me my worth in his life. It took me two years to realise that what i was doing was not worth it at all.

The tears that i have wasted,  the time i have spent and the nights i have spent away just to make him happy, were not worth it, because, no matter what i did, i was never as special as the other girls in his life. I can not start to explain how many times i cried just thinking about my position in HIS life. And soon enough it wasn't even about me any more. Those tears were falling because of him and bow pretty his girl friends were. Why he was spending time with them, it didn't matter that he wasn't with me, i didn't want him with them. That is when i realised, it cannot be this way anymore.

The needy girl has to move away. He was my first 'love', the love that could not be and it was time i moved on. It took me ten days of tears and a lot of ice cream to gather the courage to fight for my identity back. And a week of verbal abuse and tears soon led to me being independent again. I won't deny the fact that i still miss him, it happened quite recently, but i would say, i feel lighter. The weight of foutr people has lifted from my shoulders and now i can go back to worrying about my own!

My  friends told me from the start that he was not worth the trouble but i never listened, so i suffered for two years. In the process, i became some one i hated, i betrayed and lied to my friends, went out with guys i didn't like, took pills to fall ill, went on hurtful diets, just so that i could get a word of concern out of him. None worked, and i knew, sometimes it's just not meant to be.

 I was the stepping stone for him to get to his other girls and thats all i was for him, accepting that fact now, i can say i learnt a bitter lesson and i did get some thing good out of it. I may still be weak in front of him, but, now i can make sure that none of this will happen again.

I just hope my posts can help some one else in  the same situation, Just because you think you are inferior doesn't make you any lesser than the other people around you. If you want people to like you  - BE YOURSELF. I know that sounds cliched, but, it is cliched because it is true. Never lose your self in the long run, because the ones who can't find your worth in their lives aren't worth in yours.

Till next time, this rambler has gone a little wiser but not any less draamebaaz!