She started to type " once upon a time - ", stared at the screen and deleted the words as soon as they came to her.
She typed again, " there was once a girl-", stopped. Stared at the screen again. 

She was bare, of emotions, inspirations and words. She stared at the screen again. Once a friend, it seemed like the path to destruction now. Stories that flew from her heart to her fingers, now stopped short of becoming word-vomit in her mouth. 

It wasn't the same. Not anymore.
The accolades had stopped. She was alone in her room. No one to cheer her on. They had moved on to the next book and she was left behind with her last one. The din of silence chewed on her ears. 

She started to type again - 

"There is no one to be found here anymore, in the darkness of solitude. - " as her emotions started to pour from her eyes she knew they were to be kept away from her fingers. The little ones didn't know the repercussions of writing non-fiction.

-Purely Fictional

It's time to move on

I don't have a house. I don't have a documentary... I don't have a boyfriend ... I don't have anything to look forward to to be happy tomorrow.

But, you know what ?

I have to keep persevering! You know why? 'Cuz people said so!

I have to keep moving forward! I have been watching inspiring photos on Facebook just to get a ray of hope in my heart that I will get through this thing as well, like I got through so many other messes in my life. The only thing that is keeping look ahead at this point of time is - nothing actually just plain clenching my fists and silently crying from the inside.

Wow ! So much negativity in this post! Well ... that happens when you go through shit on a daily basis.

Not that I don't have a laugh or two by the end of the day, but, come on ! How much can the little things help to make you happy when on every corner, life has a new prank kept aside just for you?

Is anyone out there who can reply to this one and tell me exactly how some one got through without getting negative enough to think of throwing shit around? Wait. Does that help? Throwing stuff around?

Not that I own anything at the moment that I can afford to throw around but, hey, a girl can dream!

Well, If anyone knows about houses in 4K per month in Ahmedabad do send me a message.

Anyway - I have nothing to add - other than - Life is shit at the moment.

Ciao

PS - Help on heartbreak is also welcome. 

Just Nothings

I was sitting and staring into blank space. Thinking of what to do with the feelings distracting me from work, from sleep, day dreaming about the fake marriage which can never happen.

The boy, yes, he is a grown boy. With the features of a man and the brains of a boy. How do I manage to fall for boys still is beyond me. Well anyway. Beyond the complaints about my faulty heart, the feelings were still there. The feelings that just won't go away. 

I was sitting and waiting for him to notice that i was gone. 

I kept glancing at the shop doors, they would open and he would come running to me. Ask me why I wasn't inside. that he missed me and he needed me. 

Well, I kept staring and he did come running to me. For a cigarette. My heart was beating fast, because my day dream had come half true. He did come running though. It's fine that he didn't come for me, I can always imagine him coming for me. No matter. He did come. He sat next to me. 

He took my bag and slipped out a cigarette. Lit it and said, "I need to tell you something."

THIS WAS IT. Or so I thought. 

He looked at me, I stared back ( yearning for his kiss ) . 

Ït's a secret", he said. 

I looked confused. was he going to confess his love for my other friend, Yes, this was it. My heart was going to be broken into pieces. 

"Your other friend and my roommate are dating each other ! "

My jaw dropped. The friend I was cursing all this while was shacking up with his roommate! Oh! Bless this world! I could have gone and hugged her, broken down in tears with the guilt of all the cursing I had done in the past few weeks. 

In the whole while of him speaking and me still thinking about the guilt about a minute must have passed. He shook me. 

"Oye Draamebaaz! Why are you quiet??!"

He made a weird face and pointed his finger to my face. "You liked him! You liked my roommate!"

I shook my head as hard as i could. "No ! No! " I thought "It's you whom I want!"

"You like him! Oh my ! How did I not see this! " He looked around in disbelief. "It's ok, we will drink our sadness away."

Our sadness? Why was he sad? 

If I am over-thinking this, you can always comment otherwise. Till then this is my theory. 

I turned to him and curtly said, "I do not like him. I thought you liked my friend!"

He paused for a second, maybe thinking about the possibilities together. "No, that could never happen. We could never have worked ya."

Yup, so he thought of her. He did like her, and my heart sank, Deeper than the day before when I saw them cosy up together and have a drink together. 

He then turned to me and said the last thing for the night. "You know what ? I told my brother about this and he said only you and I were left in the group who aren't together. Like - like Joey from F.R.I.E.N.D.S."

Yup. The possibility of us together didn't occur to him. We were like Joey and Phoebe. 

At least Phoebe found Mike. I still have some hope.  

Overthinking the overthinking

Please tell me this is it !

There comes a point in your life, when you are actually afraid to move ahead. With love, work, just life in general. There cannot be a step you take that doesn't make you think, are you really going to be happy with this decision?

I have had this point in my life come too soon.

The world cannot possibly be working like this, i cannot be thinking so much at every step of my life. But, what else can i do? I have been hurt too many times.
I am not saying you should always be on the riskier side of business, but don't be so cautious that you loose the opportunity that comes in front of you.

Yet again, i have an example that comes from my failed love life.

And I have quite a lame example but it did make me think - Was i so cautious? Overthinking every step of the way that i forgot to keep the guy in my life ?
too busy to see the man of my dreams walk away.

Well, i came to a new city, a new workplace and as luck would have it, i found a new man.

I did mention him the last time in one of my posts. I think i talked about cudding into his arms, well, let me tell you - there are no arms to cuddle into anymore.

' I 'thunk', i 'thunk' and i 'thunk' and all i thought of was what should i think ! '

By the time i could make a decision of loving him, he was long gone to another chick from my work place.
There was nothing i could do when i saw him in her arms, "CUDDLING" !

There is a fine line between being alone and being lonely ... and i think i found it. There was a point of time when i was absolutely fine being alone for days. I would sit in my bed, with a book and pass time as if i had an abundance of it. Now, i am afraid of sitting alone in a restaurant and that has actually hampered with me on a personal level. It's not a lot of fun when you actually come to know that you are alone. With no one around you, no one to turn to when you have so much to do, so much to say.

I think I need help.

Valentine blues

There are a lot of things that are going on in the world right now, a lot of destruction, war, people are dying. Is it bad that right now, I am just thinking about me?
Not me per say, this guy actually.
Not just a random guy though. He is a friend. A close friend.
And I have these feelings, that make me feel like a teenager again. I know now, that he will never have feelings for me, but hey, a girl can dream right. He has a strange effect on me, the way my ex had.
My day doesn't go well without seeing his face. I don't get a smile on my face without talking to him. This isn't good for me , you know why ?
He likes another friend of mine. This is the second time it has happened to me and it hurts. It pains to watch them together because I feel jealous and I have the guilt for having bad thoughts about my friend as well!
I am not sure how to go about this, because they both are good friends of mine and I am not sure what I am supposed to do about my feelings. The last time this happened I was trapped in the middle of a sexual apocalypse. My will broken down, my heart torn to pieces, my self respect down the drain.
I was in love with a man who cheated on me again and again and again and I still stayed with him, making him move on from the girls he fell for.

And I can see my self drowning in the same mess all over again. The age old Love triangle, the cliche of the century and I have made the mistake of throwing myself splat in the middle of it again.

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, well, I am ashamed but, as the heart has to work on its own, I stand ashamed.

This Valentine's day, I will be doing the same thing I did last Valentine's day - Watch the man I am in love with romance someone else, and smile as he shows off his new love and push him to have a better life than me.

I guess some things don't change for some people 

Just another day in the life of a rambler

Well, it's been a long time since i wrote the last piece of word salad. A lot has happened with me since then and i have to say it has been a roller coaster ride.
For one, since the new year has begun, i haven't fallen ill. This for me has been an amazing start to a new year - noticing the fact that last year I had been ill every other week. It was a hassle but, life had a different plan for me.
For about two months I had been trying to make a documentary and I was fully into getting the results. I had been so engrossed in it, so much so that I was actually dreaming about the next steps.
I was almost on the road to sit on the edit table to finish it off.
Thinking about the film festivals and awards I was going to get for it ( a little selfish, but hey , the footage was incredible, the information was incredible )
However, as I said before, life had a different plan for me.

Two months in, I decided to take a break to keep me sane and get a fresh perspective on the topic. I went to Kutch with my family for a day. It's a beautiful place, one should visit, just under different circumstances as mine.

I reached Kutch after a grueling ride of about 12 hours. I reach the white desert and I get score of calls telling me my house was on fire. On fire. All I could think of was that all my data for the documentary was in the house. I called people, I called officials. And all I could ask them to do was to try and put out the fire. I couldn't go back home because I was 12 hours away, no way to reach back but by car or bus.

I cried myself to sleep that night. Two months of my life had just gone down the drain and I had not thought of the fact that all my work since school was also there.

I had lost all my work I had done in the span of eight years. Yes, I had a back up of my best work on the internet, I had lo-res images of my photography, but I had lost all my memories, my work that I had thought was too precious to me to show the world.

All was gone.

The documentary on the other hand had a deadline. I was supposed to make one by the end of March. Not a big deal right ? Right now I am sitting in my chair drawing a blank as to how to go about getting a new topic. Since the old one had material which cannot be shot again, material which was too sensitive to relive through.

Though people keep saying life is more important than your work. What happens when your work is your life. I have no one to look forward to when I come back home at the moment, my family lives miles away and I still have deadlines and work to finish to make ends meet.

Life beyond my four walls is still going on and I have no one to turn to at the moment. So, I turn to my blog. I turn to writing my feelings and getting over it. Or at least try to.

People around me are visiting France, making plans to get married and here I am, trying to piece my life together, with no one around.

There is not much I can do when I have nowhere to go, nothing to think of and nothing more to say.

PS - buy cloud storage

merry Christmas everyone

Though Christmas was never really a thing for me... All holidays (specially) here seem to have become just another day. There is no special love in the air or no special gift for an occasion,  no special dress for the day...  Its just another day. The mundaneness of this situation is what makes me sad. Not the fact that no one celebrates anything anymore (with me?) but the fact that it's just not fun anymore. Birthdays, Christmas's, Holis, Diwalis, are now an excuse to either just drink or sleep in. You have to really beg people to gather together to celebrate things,  even your own birthday. No one has that kind of time to waste and I don't have that kind of emotions and energy to waste.

Even then, maybe it's my fault that I don't really get along with a lot of people in the new place I am settled in. However, the fact still remains no one really cares in the true sense. Getting together and celebrating with gifts and no alcohol irks people now. Maybe that's the ways of the grown up world.  And I am just not ready to grow up yet.