Don't give up

Little voice - Don't give up !
Me - Who says i am giving up ?
Little Voice - I'm just sayin - Don't !


I went through a little turmoil,. Not a big one, just a little one, which ended with me crying buckets in the washroom. The ten days of my life, that led me to finding myself again. I was lost in the middle of making an identity for some one who did not think i existed. Not like he didn't know me. Not like he thought i was imaginary.  I was his friend, care-taker, lover, confidant. Yet, i was not important enough to have an identity in his life. Because. He had three more girls who were the same to him.

I was on the quest to be the only one for two years. Trying to turn every stone, make any move possible for him to care. Till i was tired. I was tired of feeling bad for myself, feeling unloved and unnoticed. I was the hidden one, the one no one was supposed to know about. I was just a passing friend in others' eyes and for me he was the world, i did not care that no one else thought i was important, i just wanted him to tell me my worth in his life. It took me two years to realise that what i was doing was not worth it at all.

The tears that i have wasted,  the time i have spent and the nights i have spent away just to make him happy, were not worth it, because, no matter what i did, i was never as special as the other girls in his life. I can not start to explain how many times i cried just thinking about my position in HIS life. And soon enough it wasn't even about me any more. Those tears were falling because of him and bow pretty his girl friends were. Why he was spending time with them, it didn't matter that he wasn't with me, i didn't want him with them. That is when i realised, it cannot be this way anymore.

The needy girl has to move away. He was my first 'love', the love that could not be and it was time i moved on. It took me ten days of tears and a lot of ice cream to gather the courage to fight for my identity back. And a week of verbal abuse and tears soon led to me being independent again. I won't deny the fact that i still miss him, it happened quite recently, but i would say, i feel lighter. The weight of foutr people has lifted from my shoulders and now i can go back to worrying about my own!

My  friends told me from the start that he was not worth the trouble but i never listened, so i suffered for two years. In the process, i became some one i hated, i betrayed and lied to my friends, went out with guys i didn't like, took pills to fall ill, went on hurtful diets, just so that i could get a word of concern out of him. None worked, and i knew, sometimes it's just not meant to be.

 I was the stepping stone for him to get to his other girls and thats all i was for him, accepting that fact now, i can say i learnt a bitter lesson and i did get some thing good out of it. I may still be weak in front of him, but, now i can make sure that none of this will happen again.

I just hope my posts can help some one else in  the same situation, Just because you think you are inferior doesn't make you any lesser than the other people around you. If you want people to like you  - BE YOURSELF. I know that sounds cliched, but, it is cliched because it is true. Never lose your self in the long run, because the ones who can't find your worth in their lives aren't worth in yours.

Till next time, this rambler has gone a little wiser but not any less draamebaaz!

Silver Linings Playbook

There are times when i think to myself. There have to be millions of girls like me out there. How the hell did i come onto the conclusion that i was special. That i was the only one with the problems. Maybe the problems didn't come in the same sequence, or even degree, but i am sure, there are other girls who have had the same life as i.

There has to be some way to make every one understand, you are not the only one. STOP LAMENTING OVER YOUR LIFE!

And no, do not skew this into thinking, "That was quite rude! She is just bitter because she doesn't get attention."  This is my way of rationalising the situations i have gone through. There have been people in worse conditions (i know - i have heard the stories about the starving children at the dinner table) however, the situations i have been in, though not as bad as theirs, have been tormenting for me.

So this is my list of Silver linings!

I lost my father when i was a kid - there has to be a positive to this! I cannot keep slapping my forehead and yelling "Why me lord?!" all my life! Once he was no more, i was the only thing keeping my mother sane ( that's what she said! As far as i can recall, i must have driven her to the brink of insanity with my tantrums ), i became secluded, dove head straight into books to keep me happy... leading to me staying away from partying, drugs, sex and a hell lot of things the cool kids were experimenting with at that time.

I saw what the consequences were for some of them. Teenage pregnancies, getting involved with thugs and goons, failing school, it was a nightmare, but they pulled through by teaching themselves one sentence - at least we were cool and famous.

I had several heartbreaks as a teenager, no boy was really ready to go out with me, and my crushes  were definitely repelled by my actions. I remember telling one such incident in my previous posts. Where is the silver lining? I developed character and a personality. I didn't manage to make my self thin and shallow like a lot of school girls i see now. I am loved by the people who know me (not bragging, but really they do love me - can't write this without a smirk on my face)

I commited the blunder of taking risky and addictive substances in college. I only hung out with boys because of this and became the root of a lot of unwanted rumours. So much so that there came a time when i was linked with more than five guys at once. Silver lining? I had fun with the guys, even though it was the wrong way, i gained experiance, i came to know what is wrong and to what degree was it considered right. I now know that my kids will go through the same phase and unlike my previous generation, i would be a little more tolerant about engaging in social drinking, smoking, etc. I might be more understanding if such a situation arrives.

I fell in love with a boy who used me ... for over two years. Sounds like i was stupid and he was just being a guy. I lost my self esteem, i lost many friends, i lost my mind, my enthusiasm for life, i lost him in the end too.  Silver lining - I have a thicker skin now. There have been other guys in my life after him, but they have not once led me to tears, when in his case, it had become a ritual for me to cry every other day. I have understood that only i can keep myself happy and no one else can do that for me. Some one getting on your nerves? Ignore them! They don't have power over your life! If they come to your house after that - get a restraining order and enjoy a cup of tea/coffee with a good book.

I didn't get the liberty of being too spoilt. yes i was spoilt, but never to the extent of getting my own brand new car, a psp, i do not even own a personal gameboy, i have not gone out for late night reckless parties with my friends, not gone clubbing, pubbing, boozing, jazzing, smashing or orgying. Though i would still consider the fact that i did miss out on a lot, i have my whole life ahead to do these things. Silver lining - I turned out saner than some of my other single children compadres. While they just cannot seem to adjust to living out on their own, or even in 'crowded' environments i can take care of myself to some level. Being a single child, i am also NOT afraid of being alone for some time. A one room apartment is no big deal for me.

I am going to stop here, it's late already and i think i am becoming a little preachy this time. I am going to leave you with this thought though - There is always something good that comes out of all that is bad. If you think that your bad luck won't stop, look at it this way, it just makes you stronger for the next round of crap life is going to throw at you. 

This is not a joke anymore

It is not enough for people to judge themselves on the basis of their 'breadth' and 'weight'... there are other beauty factors i have failed to mention - Skin tone, hair, facial features, 'assets'. Mostly i feel now, we have become more judgmental about our own appearances than others.

While women have been piling on make up and bathing in beer and milk for generations, they have come out with another way of enhancing their beauty - Eating disorders and plastic surgery. I am not going to say that i am the hard working kind and i understand i have no place to say anything in this matter when i myself can be counted as three people in one body. However, as an opinionated person, i have to make this call - Standards of beauty have been raised too high. 

While my heart pains as i see all the pretty women around me, my brain tells me - " Why are you not enhancing what you really are good at!?" This really just hit me tonight, why have i stopped doing what i was good at? Why am i looking for others' approval? Do they matter so much to me? Yes staying fit should be a way of life, but, looking good can never be a necessity. It SHOULD never be a necessity. Looking back to my school years and early college life, i knew i was a good student. I got through thick novels days, i read up on facts and used to be a biology wiz! 

Now what am i good at? I am an average student, an average employee and to add to that, i have average looks. I know, it is not too late for me yet. I am still in my twenties, i have a long way to go before mid life crisis puts me into depression and i take an oath. I will look forward to being fit and healthy as i may please. More than that, i will get back to  what i did best - BE A NERD! 

I always wanted to be thin and popular. In college, i came close to being one of those and it came back and slapped me right in the face, looking back i know i have lost quite a few 'friends' in the 'pursuit of cool', but all is not ruined yet. All i have to keep in mind is - beauty is still just skin deep. One day it has to fade away, why try to keep my vanity inflated, when i have so much to discover in life Maybe all this is the leftover teenager hormones in me speaking, but really, it is high time girls got out of this stigma of BEING FAT! 

You have a muffin top? EMBRACE IT! Your belly jiggles when you walk? PUT SOME MUSIC ON FOR IT! Who is going to care about your BMI when you become a successful lawyer, artist, engineer, writer, even POLITICIAN? Do you think any one deep enough for basic comprehension ever wondered what Indra Gandhi had for breakfast? Or why Oprah was not really a skinny blonde ? 

I can give the answer - No one cares! No one cares about your looks when you have achieved something in life. (Another thought to add- About achievements; It won't fit here though, another post for that).

Anyway, this outburst came because of a close friend of mine, going on about her looks. She and i were - infact, are, on the same boat. Fat, average and nothing better to do but to drone about and wallow in self pity. Till. She showed me a video. A video about an anorexic woman. Who was ironically talking about anorexia being a dangerous disease. And all i heard from her by the end of it was, "Isn't she thin? I wish i was that thin." 

This is what has happened to teenagers now, they cannot fathom a deeper meaning to anything! All has to be about looks and looks only! My eyes were opened and i wish i can do the same for my friend. The sad part is, she does not realise there are people who find her pretty, there are people who cherish her. All she is running after is the approval of the people who could think of nothing better of an insult than calling her fat. 

This is the video we watched together - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz-nPMTXduo&NR=1&feature=fvwp ... Try and prove my outburst wrong.