Dear Dad

Dear dad

First off, i want to say - i miss you too much. So much it hurts. The pain crawls down my skin and seeps into my heart and my brain. Blinds me and renders me paralyzed. I know it has been too long that you left us, but i wont move on from you.

Eight years i have spent coping without you. Mom has spent coping with me. My mood swings, my life's ups and downs and her own. I have grown up from the small chubby girl to a lady. Still on the chubby side, i feel out of place now. I can't stop thinking of the what ifs and wish you were heres.

It has been a long journey without you. I have had a few broken hearts and so has mom, special moments and joyous occasions too. I passed school with a few scratches and i am about pass college.

I have gone through a roller coaster of experiences and i would have to say i couldn't have done it without my mom helping me get up when i was fallen. I fell in love with a boy, who broke my heart, i know if you would have been here, i might have gotten the courage to let him go, i got a few bad grades and i know if you would have been here, i might have gotten the liberty to move past them. I got a few bruises and scratches and i know, if you would have been here, i might have gotten recklessness to laugh at them. But i had my mom, and even though i didn't really have the life i had planned, it was a whole new and better life. When i didn't have the courage, she gave me a helping hand, when i didn't have the liberty, she took the first step, when i didn't have the recklessness, she took the risk and i must say, i didn't miss you much then, i didn't miss you as much as i had expected.

I still miss you, the way the sun misses the moon, destined never to meet for eternity.

I miss you so much it hurts, my life would have been different and now that i think of it, if i had the chance i would have told you how much i loved you the last time we talked. With what has boiled over, i still thank you for watching over me and i would still miss you all the same till time takes its toll over me. 

Addicted

Addiction.

You can't control it. It seeps into you on the very first bite, sip, puff, even look. You can't escape an addiction. It will follow you, feed on you as you foster it, till you are empty from within.

Don't take heed to people who say its very easy to get rid of it. They are all wrong. They haven't gone through a real addiction. I am not telling you that it will never leave you. It will. Once you cannot help it anymore. Once you have no strength anymore.

I have been addicted. To a lot of things. Cigarettes, food, alcohol ... mostly food.

But the other ones were quite addictive. So much so that i was called for interventions, taken to the hospital and mostly scolded by my friends. I won't say i was addicted like the ones you find fallen face down on the streets ( i have seen some of those and they were never as funny as the memes you see on facebook) but i was addicted, i was stuck in the vortex and i couldn't get out. I couldn't think straight without it.

It was a bad time in my life, even though it wasn't as bad as the others', it was enough to take me to the edge. I want to share every aspect of my life with all of you. I have no idea what the reason really is. Maybe i want the attention or i just want people who are in situations like mine to get a heads up for what's in store for them.

I will start with the stories in another post but the point i want to make here is - Don't get into a situation you cannot get out of. It is hard, there are a lot of tempting offers from a lot of persuasive people. But you have to follow through. Having fun does not mean leaving the rest of your life behind. No preaching going on here. I want people to understand - i am still young, it's not my place to teach ,but i can still give a warning and a shout out to all my friends out there, to just be careful. The world is not a good place for naive and sweet people. They get crushed the fastest.

Till the next time - I wish all of you best of luck and have a happy life. 

And the day begins ...

 I would like to add another story from my past to the list. This one won't be as mellow as the last one. I promise.

How about getting to the awkward years of my teenage?

I have to say... i was never skinny. I mean i was skinny some time back, but never in school. I was very open minded, keen to know more, fun to be around, intelligent and a lot of other things, but, never thin. This always took a toll on my self esteem, as my crushes never seemed to notice me.

One such a crush happened to be in my class when i was in (i am gonna guess this one) the eighth standard. I'm not sure, but i was in the senior section since we were allowed in the big library. Which is where this incident took place.

We had a weekly system of borrowing an returning books and a lot of people used to take extra books under the students' names who were not so keen on studying. This was a regular habit for me, since i had no social obligations, i used up my free time listening to the radio and sliding through numerous pages of novels.

One such library day, i wanted to borrow an extra book and was out of people to smuggle it under. So, i scanned the room and noticed my crush. He was a short guy, with creamy white skin and a ripped body. (ok, so maybe this was not eighth). Any way, he was a bashing up a dorky looking boy with a book, laughing at his plight. (Sigh, the smile).

A passing bird told me he had not used his library card in months, and was free, if i was still looking for some one's name to borrow the book on. I didn't want to disturb him kicking the poor dweeb's stomach, so i waited a little and almost fifteen minutes passed by as i kept staring at him. He must have noticed me staring, since he stopped beating up the kid and stared back at me. It seemed like an eternity (But i am sure, it happened for a second). I had to poke the bear now, or it was never.

I took a deep breath and went upto him. All i had to say was, "will you issue this book out for me please." I kept repeating the line in my head as i moved towards him.

I reached about ten steps away from him and tried to call him out. "Hey" i spoke timidly, "hey" i said again. he looked up. I took in all the air i could fill into my lungs and out came a husky voice, " Will you get this book issued for me?"
The voice was right out of a shady light - porn starring yours truly. I have to be honest with you, this was the only time in the 24 years i have been on this planet have i talked in that deep voice. It was hoarse, and seemed welcoming in a very raunchy way. It made my skin crawl as the words left my lips. However, again, it must have been me, I must've thought too much into the situation. He took the book from my hands and in his oh-so-sweet voice and boyishly good-looking smirk, said, " Sure babe, anything for you." (also, i have come across this line being said to me a lot of times, it has also resulted in me down a rut at some point after being spoken to. It's cursed, i guess.)
At this point i must have been drooling, since he laughed a bit and then took the book to the check out counter, once he was done, he called out my name. I, from the other end of the hall, had a surge of energy in my feet and i kid you not, i glided across the hoards of classmates, some throwing books at each other, others standing in a group and gossiping (yes, this was our school library) and came to a stop right behind him.

Instead of doing the sane thing, i.e. calling out to him and thanking him, i leaned in from the back and spoke softly into his ears. The hoarse, not-so-sexy voice back in my throat, i spoke, " Thanks a ton honey."
It was obvious the whole incident must have startled the begeezuz out of him, so much so, that he jumped on his feet and turned around shaking. Shoved the book in my hands and bee lined across the hall to his friends and that was how i lost another crush to my stupid methods of seduction.

He did muster up the courage to ask me what class we had next, the beezlebub voice appeared again and made an encore appearance in front of him. "it's gonna be Phys. Ed. Dahling" With that i saw the last of him and his proximity around me. He was never to be seen within a hundred steps of me ever again. FML ... or FML ?